There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Cucumbers Anonymous
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard