It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan