@NurseSeymour

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

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@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@ericsshadow

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@NotChuckBarkley

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

@thenatewolf

Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.

Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?

Netflix: no

@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

@nash_official

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot