There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.