My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.
Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on