The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.