@Bluestmoon_

There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@HuffPostComedy

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

@Xoolun

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@3sunzzz

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.

@Willie1derful

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

@nachosarah

hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.