Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Breaking news:
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.