There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.