shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
Me: how do you say yes in French?
Me: how do we say yes in French?
Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.
Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.