I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.