There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
craving $300 all of a sudden
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
jesus christ confetti not now
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.