@Michael1979

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

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@ACartoonCat

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

@KPMoore8

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

@HepatitisAtoZ

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

@SentenceReduced

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

@MorticiaKate

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

@TheBoydP

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

@jesse_street

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.