Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.