[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don鈥檛 finish what they start
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn鈥檛 know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel鈥檚 jar.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi鈥rom her porch.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don鈥檛 know. How do you THINK today is going?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers