There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.

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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier


I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife


To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.


WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐


My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip


[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]


[another bottle with message washes against my feet]


Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.


I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?