If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Cake safety first. Always.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”