Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
You Might Also Like
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
What?!?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
listen closely
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.