@thenatewolf

There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.

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@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

@headway10

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”

@Gre_Gone

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.