*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
True statement👍😏😁
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.