I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..
Me: It’s a feeling you get when..
Foreigner: I want you to show me..
Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.