@thenatewolf

There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.

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@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@Remember_Sarah

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

@Lhlodder

Friend: Isnโ€™t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@HomeWithPeanut

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

@TheMichaelRock

Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met

@HeyJennyLeone

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

@C00LpenNAME

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

@c12h22o11balls

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

@pooja_sinhaa

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.