There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.

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You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.


Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”


(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.


As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.


3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?


When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.


I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.