JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*