my therapist: so when did this all start?
me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12
There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores