@MsFoxIfUrNasty

There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.

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@presidentgay

my therapist: so when did this all start?

me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12

@backporchlady

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

@behindyourback

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

@decentbirthday

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

@juliussharpe

If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

@ArfMeasures

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores