@MsFoxIfUrNasty

There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.

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@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@phxguy88

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

@Parentpains

Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

@LurkAtHomeMom

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

@kDuncanG

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

@meghaffer

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

@BoomBoomBetty

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.