There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.
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me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.
God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.