There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Ummm
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.