there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Oh the world we live in…
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves