there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone


me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????


To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.


Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.


Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.


doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another


If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:


Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.


Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad


[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now