there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
how it started vs how it ended
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that