@PaperFury

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

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@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light

ANGEL: K, coolcool

GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light

ANGEL: Uh what now

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@DrakeGatsby

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

@MsSkarsgaard

I miss the things we shared together.
Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.

@seamusmckracken

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

@DanMentos

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

@ScorpionDong

How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.