WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light
ANGEL: K, coolcool
GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light
ANGEL: Uh what now
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I miss the things we shared together.
Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.