I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
good work, detective
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!