There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry