There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*