There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Once again not all heroes wear capes
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!