@iGreenGod

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

You Might Also Like

@impaulmccoy

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

@krisv_723

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

@NYC_Blonde

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

@awescar

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

@SteveSackington

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

@DiscoFruit

[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”