There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.


*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes


I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.


I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.


When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.


[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.


My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.


[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”