There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I hope they boil the right one.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My kitchen overserved me.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net