There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
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My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.