My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.
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(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.
Guarantees in life
2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.