Me: What’d you have for lunch?
Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…
There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.