There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.

You Might Also Like


My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.


(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*


Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection


So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.


Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!


Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.


I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.


If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.


Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill


The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.