@MAB1013

There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.

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@amishschool

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@geowizzacist

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@LoveNLunchmeat

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

@CulturedRuffian

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

@unravelingfire

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

@louisvirtel

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

@R0ckG0d88

If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.