@MAB1013

There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.

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@ComedicBust

*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!

@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@HughGoesThere

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@shariv67

We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.

@myonlymizztake

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.