started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle