There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]


Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills


Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets


If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects


[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”


Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that


My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands


Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.