@thetits
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
@dadmann_walking
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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@thetits
@ThugRaccoons
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
@silent_musings
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
@sock_holliday
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
@HomeProbably
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
@WheelTod
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@alexlumaga
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
@EmilyFlake
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
@sumpeoplelikeit
Open books don’t get judged by their covers.
@JustinGuarini
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.