@XplodingUnicorn
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
@dadmann_walking
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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@XplodingUnicorn
@SandwichGhoul
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
@tonsmorecowbell
My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
@KeetPotato
[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda
@ericsshadow
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
@Eightinchgoat
Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
@ThaJawn
Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Hipster:
Me: anymore?
@OrangeFact
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
@iwearaonesie
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
@grandpa
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money