There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard