@dadmann_walking

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

@SandwichGhoul

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

@tonsmorecowbell

My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.

@KeetPotato

[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

@ericsshadow

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

@Eightinchgoat

Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

@ThaJawn

Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Hipster:
Me: anymore?

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@iwearaonesie

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money