@dadmann_walking

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

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@thetits

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

@ThugRaccoons

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

@sock_holliday

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

@EmilyFlake

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.