There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
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Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”