There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*