The glory of fall.
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night