There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.