They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Discuss
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!