There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
This is sending me to another galaxy
The answer is funnier than the question
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.