Greatest headline of the day:
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
– Fancy restaurants
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*
The real Cold War
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy