@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

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@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@AimeeHelene1

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

@laurajennyjo

I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit

@AimeeHelene1

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Lowers thermostat*
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*

The real Cold War

@EndhooS

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

@fro_vo

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy