@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

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@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@ibid78

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

@justsomegirl81

Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.

@david8hughes

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

@dave_cactus

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!