Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!