Good morning y’all ☀️
You Might Also Like
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Still a very good boi….
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’m sorry…what?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE