There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.