There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

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I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.


the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds


Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.


What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you


“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….


Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation


Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.


My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.


If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.