@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

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@HockeyTornado

I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@WilliamAder

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@veronicakallday

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@Steelers1972

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

@Dr_powpow

Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@kimtopher22

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.