@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

- @skickwriter

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@girlontapas

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

@Chumpstring

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@garrydavenport

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@ArfMeasures

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

@panmidwest

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b