There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
2023 was just a warmup
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah