He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
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“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
Store Assistant: can i help you sir?
Me: how much for this disco poncho?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad