@iMonkGreen

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

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@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@Lisabug74

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@lovemydogduck

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup