@iMonkGreen

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

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@WittySassBasket

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@girl_a_whirl

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@U_Want_Shum_M8

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?

@OrdinaryAlso

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

@AngelaEhh

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*