Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Middle of the night In bed:
Wife – Did you hear that?
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup