There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*


“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”




honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good


The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.


I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.


There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.


My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.


Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke


Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …