@CheeseDaydreams

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

You Might Also Like

@AntozWolf

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

@SlenderSherbet

“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”

“DUDE”

“I WASN’T”

@CornOnTheGoblin

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

@hythemafia

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

@0point5twins

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@Cheeseboy22

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …