There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download