There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I identify as an antique shop.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me trying to look natural in photos
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
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Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!