There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and experience parties and everything!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store. i got a mango for 39¢


Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”


*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*


A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”


When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?


Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?


[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*


Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…


*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.