There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.