There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Teach your children to beatbox
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own