Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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My blood type is b hungry.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?