her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom
me: good idea
her: what is this on the bed
me: *seductively* paprika
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
to the fridge for a snack.
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Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.
Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.
My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.