There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

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her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea


her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika


Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing


Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.


My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.


CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir


Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?


Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.


People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.


Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.