There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
These are my emotional support Pringles.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin