“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.


To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.


Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.


Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.


*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!


[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?


The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’ disappoints me.


Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.


Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.