@prncss_fifi

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

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@kimtopher22

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

@tmoswole

To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@causticbob

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@TheRealSassy1

The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’ disappoints me.

@hardicecrm

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

@iresurfaced

Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.