there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.