@UncleDuke1969

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

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@English_Channel

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

@WildeThingy

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

@mejustbeth

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@zaiush_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@mommajessiec

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

@daddydoubts

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.