writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
There there password. I don’t think you’re weak.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.