there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.