There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”