@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

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@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@MottoMan_

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@Lhlodder

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

@BatBatshitcrazy

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

@Jarhead44

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@briangaar

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies