There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys


Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.


My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart


Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.


My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”


After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.


Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.


I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.


Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies