There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
My typo game is string.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly