There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.