Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.
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“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: I’m done peeing!!
Khakis: No you’re not.
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want