@realHamOnWry

There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.

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@Jandalize

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

@EJGomez

“911? Yes I need to report an incident”

“What is it mam?”

“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”

“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”

@Spaziotwat

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

@DrunkMrWonka

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

@Home_Halfway

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want