Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
#Caturday
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.