@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

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@Karate_Horse

Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok

@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

@ohpeetie

I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.

@GingerHotDish

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

@clusterctraits

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@joejwest

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

@northcoastkevin

I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.

@howe007

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next