There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
You Might Also Like
Probably my best painting.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
mood
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.