There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!