There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*


[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote


– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak


If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows


ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier


i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent